


is the next one going to do the same, or am i stronger now?

by InTheVoid



Series: Now i am free, taking back my life. [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues, homophobic ex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:15:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22247716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheVoid/pseuds/InTheVoid
Summary: Phil opens up about his past relationship to dan.trigger warnings: implied physical-, emotional- abuse and self harm.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: Now i am free, taking back my life. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601569
Kudos: 4





	is the next one going to do the same, or am i stronger now?

**Author's Note:**

> please read the first part of this series first. this is based on real life, i hope you enjoy this very angsty fic.

Phil was sitting in his living room, Nuki in his lap. Staring at his phone, he got a sweet text from Dan, wondering if they could do something this coming weekend. 

they had been dating for a few weeks now, and they got along well. but it felt like everything was going a bit fast. Phil liked Dan, he liked him alot but he was afraid to fall in love. Afraid of getting hurt, and afraid to trust someone again. he had been thinking about it alot, if he even was able to fall in love again, or to trust someone and let them in to his life. he felt his anxiety creeping up in him thinking about all of this. His breathing got harder, and felt the tears pooling in his eyes. He hated this feeling, he hated that he probably would hurt Dan if he told him. He would take it wrong, and phil was afraid of losing him if he wanted to slow this down.

Nuki felt that Phils anxiety was building and crept up in phils neck and rested her head on his shoulder, grounding him down and tried to calm his breathing. Nuki was good like that, she always felt when the anxiety was on its way. she did her best to help, and it did help, it got always a bit easier when she was close and comforting him. 

Phil opened up his phone a few hours later, he still hadn’t texted Dan back, he knew he should so he wrote a long text, trying to explain himself. he knew it would better to ring, but he was afraid he couldn’t deal with hearing the heartbreak in Dans voice. after reading through his long text he hovered over the send button several minutes. 

“hi dan, so i think i need to explain myself.. to begin with i like you a lot, i mean alot alot. and this isn’t a breakup text, just keep reading please. i feel like we get along so well, almost too good to be true.. so things have been going a bit fast for me, and i need to find myself first before i can let you in more. i need you i really do, but before i can feel all those thing you are feeling for me, i need to find and love myself. I think i need some time alone, think about stuff, and i also need you to be there, i know maybe i am being selfish here, but i just feel like i am drowning right now. i am not used to get all those compliments, to feel loved. I like it when you tell me those nice things but my brain doesn’t allow me to accept them like they are, my brain twists them that it can’t be true. And i think that's why i need to slow down, i think i need to deal with those demons in my head first. i feel like i am just rambling on now but i hope you will understand, i will also understand if you can't wait for me, but i hope you really do. because i like you so much dan <3 i feel like i am gonna lose you after this and hate myself forever for this, but i also need to listen to myself and make my own person, because i feel like i am not right now, it’s hard to explain but i will try my best to explain one day. no now i am rambling again.. i just don’t want to hurt you feelings, and again this isn’t a break up, i just need some time. xxx”

he finally pressed send, he threw away his phone to the other side of the sofa, stood up and put his shoes and jacket on to go for a walk, get his mind of it a bit. 

2 hours later, he came home. he slowly dragged his feet over to the sofa, he picked up his phone and sat down. A few deep breaths later he opened the phone and read through Dans reply. it wasn’t a long text, and it wasn’t that bad, but between the lines he could read the hurt behind it. 

“hey phil, i wish i lived closer to give you a hug, feel like you need it. i am sorry i have been puchy? the last thing i want is to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. And yeah i think i understand what you meant with moving to fast. i hope you find yourself, and i wish i could help you out with that but i also understand if you need to that alone. just i am here for you if you need to talk you know that right? i don’t know what you have been through but i really hope one day you can explain, so i can be by your side when it gets rough in that brain of yours. xx your Dan. ps. give kisses and big hugs to nuki from me also xx.”

he read it several times, he broke down in tears. Dan was to good to be true. why Couldn’t he just get over himself and let that boy in, why was it so hard. Phil sobbed and gasped for air. he pulled nuki thight to him and snuggled down in the sofa. he somehow fell asleep and woke up in total darkness and with sore and swollen eyes he went to the kitchen fore a glass of water, his feet heavy. His mind blank, his heart heavy he went for bed, and fell asleep again.

days went by slowly, he took all the extra work hours that were available, it was sleep, drive to work, work, drive home, sleep, and that exact same every day. It had been 6 days since he texted Dan the big text. He hadn’t heard anything from him after that, and Phil hadn’t conatcted him either. he longed for a night time skype talk that they did almost every night when Phil got home from work. they could speak for hours, and sometimes they fell asleep while they where on skype. 

now he sat at home, he got of work a bit earlier than usual and he wasn’t tired yet for ones. so he was considering just to cal Dan. Without thinking more about he called him on skype, the signals went through. He panicked and before he could hang up, Dan answered. 

“Hey?” Dan answered surprised but happy with a big grin on his face. 

“hey Dan” Phil answers a bit shy. 

“hey” dan said again. “is there something wrong?” “also i miss you” Dan said quickly after.  
“no no” phil smiled, he really missed dan, he wanted to just kiss dans beautiful face all over. “i just miss you..miss talking to you miss hearing your voice..” phil explained.

“oh good, or i mean good nothing is wrong, and i miss talking to you to. just wanted to give you space, it was what you wanted right? i mean if you wonder why i never called..” Dan spoke quickly and nervous. 

“Yeah i don’t know, i think i need some space but i also need someone to talk to, you know i have not many friends i can talk to, and you have been that one person the last weeks. And i have been thinking about us, i still like to see you and hang out with you, but i think i just want to hang out, no dates because those make me feel all those things i am scared of. just you and me, and maybe sometimes some friends, just hang out play games and that kind of thing” phil exhaled after speaking quickly. “i think what i am saying is that we need to be like best friends and get to know eachother better before i can take the next step” phil spoke before Dan could answer. 

Dan was quite for a while, taking in phils words. they got along to well and things did move a bit fast, it was unusual for Dan, because he had always been the one to back of when the other wanted to get more serious. So he was a bit lost for words now that he was on the other end of the picture. but he understood what Phil meant, he totally did. 

“Phil” Dan said in a loving voice and he saw how nervous phil was biting his lip. “hey i understand, if anybody i am the one to understand, i never told you because i hate labels but i am demi, so i am the one to always back down when someone wanted to get serious, so i am just a bit stunned that this time i am on the other side.” Dan breathed and continued, he hated labels but to make it a bit easier to talk about how he worked as a person he used them sometimes. but only with people he trusted and knew what he was talking about. “Its that yes i am kind of very gay but i not only that, i have never felt the urge to sex, and the guys i dated always wanted more after 2-3 dates. so i backed of, tried to explain what demisexuality is, they always took it wrong, like i not was in to them, got angry and dumped me.” Dan sighed. hopefully phil would understand. “i am just stunned that you still want to be with me, i never explained before and it was like you understood anyway, you never tried to get me in bed or never made a move while kissing got more heated” Dan explained blushing just thinking about the kissing. 

“Dan i i have know about that, the demi thing, Susan kind of told me the first time we met, don’t be angry at her okay, i think she just wanted to help. and i think it helped me knowing because otherwise my brain would make the conclusion to that you didn’t want to have sex with me or that i not was good enough, you know my brain it would always twist it to something negative” Phil shukled. 

“It’s ok, that Susan told, explains a lot now though. It’s not something i hide it’s just that many people don’t understand or think of it as a real thing. That's why i am not that open about it” Dan said. 

“You know you can talk to me to about stuff you know. I am not to judge, i want to learn more, i didn’t really know much about the lgtbq+ world before, so i googled what demi meant, then i got stuck on that website and read so much more about different labels, i myself have a hard time boxing me in to one label, i really never told someone this before.. but i think there is more behind me, not just being bi, for example i hate to be called a ‘man’ i don’t like it, what defines me to be a man? why am i man just because i have a penis and no breast i am a man? it feels so wrong.. i don’t want to be a woman but i just don't like to be defined as a man, i don’t do manly things i like to dress in more feminine clothes som days, not necessarily dresses, maybe if i have the confidence one day i will, but yeah not the typical ‘manly clothes’ either, so yeah i don’t know what to call it but genderfluid sounded like something like what i am feeling.. ugh that felt nice to get out in the open” Phil sighed in relief. 

“i wish i just i could give you a big hug, ugh why do we live so far apart” Dan sighed. “and i am proud of you Phil to be yourself more, and finding out how you are. it’s a big and scary step, but you will grow stronger from it. just don’t focus too much on the labels, even if it’s nice to have something to reassure yourself with.” Dan said smiling. 

“yeah i know, those fucking labels, they are weird but sometimes helpful to feel human” phil smiled.

“i like that i finally have someone to talk about this stuff, the only person i opened up a bit about this is Susan, but it feel weird to talk about it more in dept, she is like my mother and to talk sex and love whit your mother.. yeah well that feel just weird and awkward..” Dan laughed.

phil laughed. “yeah that would be very awkward to talk to your mother about, i would never have done that with my mother..” phil’s smile dropped, thinking about his mother. 

Dan gave a sympathetic smile, knowing about Phil's mom passing away a few years ago and how hard he had dealing with it. 

“what have you been up to today then?” Dan spoke, to change the subject. 

“was out with nuki this morning, then i went to work, been doing the same every day now, been taking some extra hours at work. so i am kind of tired now” phil smiled, he knew dan changed the topic be he was grateful, they had had enough deep talk for one day.

“yeah look a bit tired, just don’t work to much. take a day of this weekend? play games whit me a whole day? i can drive over to you and then i can visit Susan to” Dan said eagerly.

“yeah i can check with work tomorrow if i can take a day of, sounds nice to have a lazy day” phil said smiling and yawning. 

“hey stop yawning now i am yawning!” dan laughed 

“sorry just tired, should go to bed” Phil said tired.

“nothing to be sorry for, go to bed with you now” Dan said with a joking motherly voice. 

“yeah yeah i should, goodnight dan” phil grinned.

“goodnight phil, i am glad you called me” Dan said loving

“yeah me too, this was nice”  
**  
Tree days later, both sitting i phils sofa, with nuki in between them. Dan screaming and cursing over losing a game to phil. Dan threw the controller to his side feeling defeated.

“sore loser ey?” Phil mocked laying his controller to his side. Dan huffed and playfully poked phil in his side.  
“just because you won this one time doesn’t mean that you can be the mariocart master” Dan mocked back. 

They both leaned back in the sofa, phil changing to tv to watch something on netflix. it felt nice to have this with dan, just them being lazy idiots playing games and watching tv. 

after a few episodes he saw dan staring at him with a slight frown, and fiddling with some strand on his ripped jeans. “what?” phil asked softly.

“nothing, just thinking” dan responded and looked away.

“about?” Phil asked quirios 

“you” Dan responded and looked over meeting phils eyes. 

“what about me? tell me” Phil asked smirking.

“just how nice this is, but also how beautiful you are and how i want to kiss you” Dan said cheekely, not wanting to overstep phils boundaries.

Phil leaned over and took Dans face in his hands and kissed him slowly and lovingly on his lips. dan sighed in to the kiss. that was exactly what he needed. 

Phil sat back again and smiled, “happy now?” phil grinned. Dan just nodded and looked over at him lovingly. Both turned to watch the tv again. but several minutes later Phil still couldn’t concentrate what he was watching. he was thinking about all the things he wanted to tell dan, the secrets behind why he wanted to take things slow. he tried several times he opened his mouth but nothing came out. why was this so hard? he could trust dan with this.. but his mouth and brain couldn't comprehend with each other. 

The film ended, and dan yawned and stretched out. 

“you can sleep over if you want to?” phil spoke up a bit shy. it wasn’t something they hadn’t done before, they had slept in the same bed several times, spooning and kissing. but if felt different now that he had said he wanted to take things slow. 

“yeah i’d like that” Dan said lovingly. 

Phil stood up and took dans hand and leaded him to his bedroom, letting his hand go and picking out 2 pyjama sets. 

Phil dragged dan close to him when they laid down in bed. “goodnight” Phil said kissing Dans neck.  
“night” Dan said relaxing in to phils arms.

Dans breathing got deeper and slower. almost sleeping.

“Dan?” phil spoke softly.

“mmh” dan hummed almost sleeping. 

“you awake?” phil wisphered.

“mmh kind of” Dan answered 

“i i think i want to talk about something scary, i tried to do it several times now. but i’m scared” phil spoke softly. 

Dan didn’t turn around, he knew it was easier to talk about scary things when the other not looked at you, so he just took Phils hand and pulled it up to his chest and hold it tight. “it’s okay to be scared, and i am here to listen if you want to talk, but don’t feel pressured” Dan spoke softly.

“My ex Sofie wasn’t nice to me, she manipulated me, sometimes she could hit me when she was drunk or had taken drugs.” phil breathed deep, no going back now he thought. “The first time was when she was drunk, we had gone over to PJ my friend, and she didn’t like PJ.. he wasn’t mentally stable he was depressed and self harming, and when he drinks alcohol those tendencies are more common so he had disappeared suddenly and i found him in the bathroom cutting his arms. blood everywhere and i tried to stop him, hug him and he stopped, but then my ex sofie found us.. she called him pathetic loser, gay, fag ect. She went home, drove home drunk. when i got home several hours later i found her sitting in the kitchen drinking. i was angry, asked her why she had said those mean things to PJ, that she had no right saying those awful things. and then she threw the beer bottle through the kitchen the bottle smashing in pieces. i got scared and stunned but before i could react more i felt a sharp pain in the side of my head and nose and then fell to the floor.” phil breathed several times to get more air into his lungs, they felt tight. his eyes pooled with tears streaming down on to his pillow and in dans neck. but he wanted to continue. 

Dan stayed quiet and just hold his hand tighter, trying to give comfort without disturbing ore scaring phil away. 

“that was the first time, and every time she was so deeply sorry, blaming the booze, claiming she had a bad day, claiming i provoked it, blaming it on stupid things i don’t even remember. every time i accepted her apologies.” Phil sighed. 

“But how brutal that even sounds the worst things she did weren’t with physical violence, it was the mentally abuse that has been the worst now in hindsight. She could push me down so far that i didn’t dare to make my one choice and to make my own opinion. Didn’t dare to tell here i was going to a psychologist, didn’t dare to tell her i was bisexual or what ever i am, didn’t dare to tell her when i was hanging out with PJ. I also made some new friends through work, 2 girls we got along so well at work, so we started to hang out a bit on our freetime. but that didn’t last long, Sofie made me stop hanging out with them, she didn’t like it she said. so i listened and tried to twist it in my brain that she was right that we maybe where a bit close to each other. and working with them was enough like sofie said.” Phil took several breaths again. 

“it was hard to explain to my friends, suddenly i didn’t want to hang out with them after work, one of them asked if i was okay, really asking me if i was okay, and if it was okay between me and Sofie. I felt like i was caught, like she knew somehow.. so i defended Sofie, how great she was that she was the best, she would never hurt me ect. i remember how my heart hammered in my chest, scared that this friend had caught on and then Sofie knowing and then hell would break loose” phil cried and sobbed now, he felt so weak and ashamed of letting this happen to him. 

“when my mom passed away it got even worse, the hitting had almost stopped, but i bruise easily and one time my boss had seen 2 bruises on my arms, bruises from Sofies fingers gripping me tight and shouting at me, i blamed it on me being clumsy and falling of my bike. truth is i fell of my bike but the bruises really weren’t from that, but my boss laughed at my clumsiness and joked about that she was just checking that it wasn’t Sofie, it was a smal town so she knew sofie briefly, she literally joked about it, i laughed it of with her and my boss walked away.” 

“that was also the last time she hurt me, i told my friend PJ that i wanted to break up with Sofie and at least took the courage to do it, i tried to break up with Sofie 3 times the last 2 years we were together but she always manipulated me to get me back. But this last time i was stronger and had more friends to help me” 

“And i think this is a huge part why i am scared for love again, scared to fall down that road again, and yeah i know you are not Sofie, and that i really should trust you of what i also have heard from Susan, but what i should feel and what i literally feeling are two different things. i need to work on myself first, i owe that to myself, be my own person first.” Phil sobbed and gasped after air. his body shaking from both relief to have spoken about this out in the open but also the fear of dan running away now, running from a broken and damaged phil.

Phil calmed down and heard dan crying silently wiping his eyes with his other hand that wasn’t holding on to phil like life depended on it. 

“sorry” Phil said between his sobs. “i feel ashamed for letting this go on for so many years” phil sobbed and wanted to disappear.

Dan turned over, and looked at phil, it was dark but he could see him enough to see his red swollen eyes. 

“stop, don’t you dare say sorry” Dan said stern wobely voice but with a loving undertone. “That is the bravest thing you just did here, i am so proud of you phil, words can’t even describe” Dan said lovingly. “And don’t be ashamed, it wasn’t your fault, she literally manipulated you to stay, nobody would do better than you, it happens to the strongest people, it’s not your fault Phil she took advantage of your weakness she knew she could, trust me you are the most wonderful person and the strongest person i know.” Dan cupped Phils face and wiped away Phils tears. 

“can i kiss you?” Dan asked softly a few minutes later. 

Phil nodded slowly and shy. Dans word where almost to much, his heart felt warm, the words still felt wrong. he didn’t feel strong and wonderful but he tried to accept the words at least.

It was a slow and loving light kiss, nothing heated. just affection behind it. 

phil buried his head in the crease of dans shoulder and neck , and shuffeld in closer to dan. needing to be close and comfort.

“Can you just hold me” Phil said shy. 

Dan didn’t answer, he didn’t need to, he just pulled him in to his chest and hold him tightly. Phil felt small and weak, he was drained from energy. it was hard talking about his past. he felt so ashamed of it all. But Dans arms and slow breathing got him to relax a bit, he felt safe in dans arms. He slowly drifted of to sleep tears still rolling down his cheeks.

Phil woke up suddenly, heart raising, not able to breath. he knew what it was, but it was so long ago he had a bad one like this, an anxiety attack. his body wouldn’t cooperate with his brain, to just keep it together and breath. how hard could it be, breath stupid body. breath! air in air out slowly! but it got worse, the air didn’t get inside of his body, the hyperventilating had begun. the sobs getting even bigger. he was scared. so so scared.

Dan woke up in panic. he saw phil kicking of the duvet from his body, chest rising and falling rapidly. 

Phil kicked dan out of bed feeling suffocated from all the things around him. 

Dan stood up and climbed on to the bed again, battled phils punches taking his arms, trying to talk to him. 

phil heard him counting to ten in the faint distance.

Dan was hoping phil would count with him to calm down. 

“Phil Please, please count with me, please” Dan pleaded shokhed up. 

Phil didn’t respond. So dan tried the next thing, he stood up from the bed and pulled phil in to a sitting position. 

“please try to stand up and walk with me” Dan pleaded. and pulled up phil to his feet and balanced him. phil wobled on his weak legs.

they walked back and forth in the long hallway from the bedroom to the lounge. 

phil wasn’t calming down and Nuki was paising with them close behind wining behind them. 

Dan picked up nuki, and put her up i phils arms.

Phil instinctively without thinking but his arms tight around nuki, nuki snuggled closer in his neck and it was like nuki was trying to hug him. 

slowly phil finding ritim in walking, and abel to count in tact with his walking, and feeling the warmth of nuki on his chest. dan slowly slowed down. making bigger steps and the breathing slowed down also. 20 minutes went by, they walked back and forth, back and forth. 

They sat down on the side of the bed, phil clinging on to nuki and leaning on dan for support. Dan changed position so he led down phils upper body to be in his lap, phil laid down with his head in dans lap. dan stroked soft patterns over phils back, neck and head, soothing and calming. he didn’t say a word. 

they sat like that for a long time, not saying a word. Dan wonders if phil had fallen asleep. he stopped stroking phils back. Phil wined and stirred around in complaint. dan chuckled happy and continued stroking his back lightly. 

“Thank you” phil said with a raspy voice a few minutes later. 

“is okey, nothing to thank me for, i am here for you no matter what” Dan said lovingly. 

“how do you know these tricks, and i never been this bad, and that walking and counting really helped, i never heard of that before” phil said

“uh, i have had the same episodes when i was younger, the walking one helped me alot so i gave it a try for you to” Dan said softly. 

“and i think nuki was a big part in it to, dogs do wonders for these kind of things. It was like she was trying to say to me that she wanted to help to. it took me a while to understand but i think i did what she asked for” Dan spoke softly while giving nuki som belly rubs. she still was lying close to phils chest.

Phil hummed in reply smiling weakly and giving nuki a kiss and pulling her close to him.

they fell quite again.

“How are you feeling” Dan asked softly a few minutes later. 

“better, thanks, but tired, like i have been running a whole marathon and studying some difficult math problem, like how the black hole is possible, in the same time, my lungs ache and my brain is tired.” Phil chuckled softly. 

Dan laughed “i know the feeling, and it’s ok, are you hungry or thirsty?” 

“thirsty not hungry” Phil said 

Dan moved about and lifted phils head to get up. phil wined in complaint again. dan smiled and shook his head, it was the cutest thing when he did that.

“hurry please” Phil said softly and needy.

Dan smiled and kissed his forehead and was out of the bedroom. before phil could worry Dan already was back with a glass of ribena. 

“here drink up, and then get some rest” dan said and handed him the big glass or was it a vase? it didn’t matter phil liked the glass, and phil needed to get some sugary drink in his body to get some energy back.

Phil fel back to sleep fast after that, dan knew the feeling, how exhausting things like this are. He also knew enough about panic attacks that he knew what triggered it, phil bring up all those feeling from his past to the surface, those weren’t feeling you just wiped away easily after bringing those up.

**

They laid in bed too late in the afternoon. Dan got up 2 times 1 time to let nuki out for fresh air and one time for make toast and smoothies (on phils request) and take a kwick walk with nuki. 

they ate the toasts and smoothies in bed, watched buffy, dan played some games while phil watched and laughed together at stupid things. it felt nice and a bit wholesome. 

“are you doing better?” dan said rolling over to his side and taking in phils face features 

“yeah i think so, thank you for this, thank for understanding” Phil spoke softly. 

“no problem” Dan said and look away again, feeling himself blush a bit after starting a bit to long at phil.  
“i am gonna eat dinner at Susan, she invited me, she has been whining i need to be spending time with her also” Dan chukled. “you can come with me if you want?” Dan asked

Phil laughed softly. “ no you can go i don’t think i have the energy to take me out of this bed, and besides i have nuki, we will be fine” Phil smiled.

Dan changed from pajamas to a pair of black jeans and a big hoodie, also black, of course. 

“you know a bit of colour wouldn’t hurt ya know” phil chuckled happy.

Dan looked at himself in the mirror “nah not my style, i dress like my soul” dan joked. 

“well i think you have it all wrong, your soul is very colorful and warm thank you very much” phil said.

“ugh you know nothing you spork” dan joked back. 

dan was about to walk through the door, when phil spoke up.

“will you come back here after dinner?” Phil asked careful.

“if you want me to? yeah i will” Dan said lovingly

“yeah i want you to” phil said blushing. 

“okey then, see you later then” Dan said when he walked out. 

**

some more weeks went by, they spoke almost everyday, sent each other pictures trough the the day of funny thing or cute dogs.

phil was working in a normal more healthy phase again, the next coming week he would drive down to dan, and spending 5 days at his place, they had planned things to do every day, museums and they would visit some parks and a few good restaurants, dan lived in brigthon and near london so there was much to do. but they scheduled at least 4 hours of gaming a day. they even started talking about witch games they should play. 

it was friday, and phil was working in the bar this night, it was fun working in the bar a friday night, the regulars started coming in and he made some small talk with them. it was getting closer to midnight, and it it was always at its most busy around that time. 

Then his heart stopped, and it was like time stood still, Sofie standing right in front of him on the other side of the bar. all the emotions rushed over him, his coworker jimmy noticed his panicked eyes and looked over where phil was looking. eyes glued to sofie ho was smirking and lauging, lauging in a mocking evil way, not in a happy way.  
phil felt two hands on his shoulders, it made him jump back in reallity. 

“phil there is a pile of dishes in the back, can you strat with them, i can manage the bar on my own” jimmy said calming and understanding.

the bar was packed, phil knew it was way to much for jimmy on his own, but he really wasn’t able to argue about that right now, because phil knew why he said he could start with the dishes.  
“thanks” phil was able to croux out of his mouth. 

Phil walked in to the dish room in the back, and broke down in tears. he gripped the side of the counter top, feeling weak and his anxiety attack was creeping in trough his body, hyper ventelating and sobs and hiccups came without controll. 

Then it went black, calm, peace, black, numb, nothing. 

“hey phil, PHIL, Phil can you here me” a voice

“Jimmy call an ambulanse!! he is bleeding!! what is going on” the same voice? 

“ Phil hey, keep your eyes open” an other voice? jimmy?

“phil please, PHIL, Breath” the same as the first voice? a woman?

“oh god he isn’t breathing properly” the same voice??

black, numb, peace, nothing, peace black numb..

“yeah i need an ambulanse” jimmy?

“hurry please, he isn’t responding” jimmy again?

“phil please, i need you to focus, Phil breath in deep” woman

someone was shaking him, to hands gripping him tight. 

sofie..

black numb peace nothing..

“phil wake up please!” woman

two hands gripping tight

sofie…

black numb peace nothing

nothing 

nothing

suddenly he woke up to bright blue light flasing. 

bright, pain, so much pain

all he could think was that he want back to that peaceful place from before. 

pain pain bright lights, bright feelings. 

“calm down phil, i am gona give you something now to calm you down” woman voice, sofie?

pain

“phil my name is alice, i am a doctor, you have lost a lot o blood and your body is in chock, can you hear me?” the woman said. 

okay not sofie. good was all his brain could think

“thank you” phil said weakly

he could still feel the pain but the numb feeling made it more beareble, was it the medicine he got that make him feel numb?

“breath slow with me phil” the doctor spoke softly, alice was it?

“thank you” phil said again. why did he thank her? was it because she not was sofie? 

“you are very polite gentleman arn’t you phil” alice joked softly.

phil chukled at that to, he suddely felt like laughing? so he did. 

was it the drugs he got? maybe it was but he didn’t reflect on it more, he just let it all go, he laughed and relaxed in to it letting the drugs to it’s wonders.

“what are you laughing about, can you share with me so i can have a laugh to?” Alice asked chuckling. 

“just your name, made me thinking that you are taking me to your wonderland, and how amazing that would be, you giving me shots of different medicine and i transform differently every time, and we go on an adventure together” Phil laughs at his own words. 

“well you have a vivid imagination, i think the drugs are already doing its wonders, you face is already changing to happier one” alice said happily and laughing a bit.

“and then we live happily ever after away from the mean monster that wants to hurt us” phi said and he stopped laughing abruptly. his smile disappeared and now thinks about the monster. 

“hey you can do that you know, live happily ever after. you don’t have to be afraid of monsters, you are stronger than you think, you can kick that monster in the but” Alice said lovingly, she didn’t know what the monster was a reference for something or someone but often with these drugs there was always some truth behind the words the patient spoke. she had learned it after a few years working with these drugs.

phil nodded, and gave akĺice a thanking smile. he was defeated and felt like sleeping now. 

“hey phil, i know you want to sleep, but i need you to keep awake a little while more, can you explain for me what kind of adventures you want to go on in this wonderland i am taking you?” alice spoke and giving phil a squeeze in his hand. the drugs needed to get down before phil was aloud to sleep, the drugs where to heavy to sleep on because the body relaxed so much that it could stop breathing. 

Phil smiled and started talking about al the adventures. 

he didn’t remember falling asleep, but when he woke up alice was standing beside him, he looked around and jimmy and PJ where sitting in the chairs next to his bed. 

“he is awake!” jimmy shouted and jumped up. 

“hey” phil said with a raspy voice, it felt like he had been through hell and been sleeping for a week at the same time. 

“how are you feeling?” Alice asked.

“okay but thirsty” phil said 

“yeah i will get you something to drink and eat” Alice said and left phil alone with PJ and Jimmy.

“what time is it? how long have i been out for?” phil asked them. 

“it's been 2 years and 3 months and 11 days, so the year is 2022 february the 21 now to be exact, trump is unfortunately still president, Greta was in the voting but she was to young unfortunately, also i am pregnant with my second baby” Jimmy said trying to hold a straight face and rubbing his beer belly.

they all burst in to laughing and pj punching jimmy in his side. 

“hey don’t be an idiot it's only been 10 days” PJ said calming still laughing a bit. 

“WHAT?! 10 DAYS?” Phil said panicking and sitting up and wincing at the pain he felt in his head.

PJ and jimmy burst into laughter again when Alice walked in and looked at them questioning what was going on. 

“hey lai down, what is going on, are you boys giving him another panic attack?!” alice said stern.

pj and jimmy sat down again afraid to move and say a word.

“how long has it been?” phil asked softly and scared

“how long you have been sleeping? well it is 4 in the afternoon so about 9-10 hours” alice said raising an eyebrow 

“oh okay” phil exhaled and relaxed.

“what did these boys try to coaxes you in to?” alice said giving pj and jimmy a stern look.

“oh nothing” phil said embarrassed. 

Alice left them alone again after giving phil food and some different types of drinks, she gave a stern look at PJ and Jimmy when she left and said something to them, phil didn’t hear what she said but they looked scared after. 

“so is someone gonna explain to me what happened because i don’t remember a thing?” phil spoke between chewing his food.

“uh yeah, well what do you remember?” jimmy asked softly.

“that uhm i saw sofie and then i vaguely remember you sending me to do the dishes” phil said swallowing hard

jimmy explained everything, about that he probably had an anxiety attack and passed out and then had fallen and hitting his head badly so he bled heavily. jimmy had been in the bar and not heard anything, because loud music and guests shouting etc. then there boss felix had come in later, like he could do sometimes, just to check up on them. jimmy explained that he had sent phil in to do the dishes when his ex had showed up. it had been a hour when he had done that but not thought about the time. jimmy was closing up the bar and locking meanwhile their boss felix had gone back to check up on phil. they found him passed out and blood everywhere. they could see him getting back to consciousness several times but disappearing out of it quickly after again.  
Jimmy also explained, that he kicked Sofie out after understanding quikly who she was, she had been calling after phil, shouting mean things. She was threatening him to kill him if he ever say something about their relationship, nobody would believe anyway. jimmy had dragged her out and said she wasn’t welcome inside anymore, if she did get inside he would call the police. after a while she had walked away. 

“wow okay, that is why my head hurt so bad then? that explains it” phil chuckled, trying to ignore the sofie part of the story

“yeah” pj said sad

“i glad you are okay again now, or well better either way” pj said lovingly

“yeah you scared me dude!” jimmy said and punched his arm lightly.

“yeah sorry about that” phil mumbled

“its okay” jimmy mumbled back

“have you been here the woke time?” phil realised asking jimmy.

“yeah, was worried about you you know” jimmy said quite and a bit embarrassed. 

“that's nice of you jimmy, thanks” phil said smiling

“wow okay i was here for the last 5 hours also! give me som creds to!” Pj said smirking at the two of them.

“oh yeah and our boss felix, came by an hour ago with those flowers and a little gift” jimmy said pointing at the table by phils bed. 

“oh wow, that's nice of him” phil smiled, and grabbed the little gift bag and pulled out a new xbox game, apex legends, his boss really knew him well he thought and chuckled. 

shortly after he got sent home. pj gave him a ride and followed him in. the house was empty, susan was always watching Nuki when phil worked, jimmy knew about this so he had called susan to let here know that phil was at the hospital. 

“i will let susan know that you are home again, you probably want nuki here?” pj said already typing a message to susan

“yeah i miss her” phil said quite

“okey then, i will leave you to it now, call me if you need anything, don’t even give it a second thought if there is something i can help with! i know you well enough to know you will anyways but please phil call me!” pj pleaded.

“yeah i will pj, now go you have done enough and you will be late for work!” phil said pushing pj ou of the door. maybe it was harsh but pj was a very worrying kind of person, so it was like phil was dying in his eyes.

After Susan dropped Nuki of, phil quickly fell asleep with nuki snuggled up close to him. 

**

phil woke up, he looked at his phone, eleven in the evening. he also noticed he had several missed calls from dan. he smiled and immediately called back. 

“hey phil!” dan answered happily  
“hey dan, sorry i had my phone on silent mode” phil 

“yeah you got me a bit worried if something had happened, you usually call me after work” Dan said softly and a bit hurt.

“yeah well the thing is, something did happen. I was taken to the hospital yesterday” phil said quite

“WHAT? what happened?” Dan said worried

Phil explained everything, how sofie had shown up at work and how he hit his head.

“are you okay now?” dan said his voice tearing up.

“yeah my head hurts a lot, but i’m fine” phil answered.

“good good” dan said sighing loudly

“and phil, has this happened before? sofie showing up like that?” dan asked carefully and worried. 

“kind of, she showed up at my house and broke in, she threatened me but i called susan, when susan arrived Sofie was already gone. and she calls me every other day, text me and things like that, i don't answer and i don’t read her messages and delete them directly, but sometimes i can see some of the words she writes, she threatens me and writes homophobic stuff ” phil said embarrassed, why did he feel embarrassed about this? he did nothing wrong? maybe it was that he was telling dan, like he wasn’t allowed to. 

“Wha, what the fuck phil!” dan yelled “sorry didn’t mean to yell, i am not angry at you, i’m angry at her. sorry” dan spoke quickly.

“yeah i know, but she hasn’t showed up more what i know of anyway.” phil almost defended her. 

“okay good, you know you could call the police next time huh? this is serious phil” dan said carefully

“yeah i know susan said the same thing” phil spoke quite

“phil can you do one thing for me, but also for yourself, can you block her number?” dan spoke carefully and worried 

“yeah i can do that, i actual don’t know why i haven’t already” phil said 

“thanks and that's okay, and you still up for coming to my place next week? or is it better if i com to your place? its okay for me either way, i just want to see you, i miss you.” dan said softly

“yeah miss you to, no i want to come to your place, i feel like it would do me good to get away a bit from here” phil said.

**

Phil had a great week at dan place, he felt more relaxed then he had been in a long time. it was nice to feel free, knowing that the possibility that sofie was around every corner was smaller, that made him relax more he noticed quickly. he had also listened to Dan and blocked her number, and blocked her at all social media aps. it felt like a big step in to the right direction.

They played a lot of games, board games but mostly pc and xbox. it was nice to just sulk away the days with dan like this. laughing and having deep conversations at the same time. 

**

weeks went by, sofie hadn’t been showing up at his work anymore, rumours went around quickly in a small town, and they also got very twisted, one of them was that sofie had been showing up with a shotgun at the bar and shooting around, one was that Phil had all made this up, and he had been cutting himself at work and that he was driven to the mental ward. yeah al phil could do was laugh, he really just laughed at the last one, it felt like Sofie had made up that rumor, felt so much like her brain making up those things. 

Phil also was thinking about moving, he had bumped into sofie a few times, most times he was okay and he could keep his head high and ignore her. But i was difficult, he always had her back in his head, he never walked alone around town in the weekends because he was scared she could show up, he never got to work alone in the evenings anymore, he felt like a burden to his coworkers, that he needed a babysitter. fuck he was grown man, but at the same time he knew how dangerous sofie could get when she was high or drunk, and especially now he had blocked her everywhere, he heard from her friends she was angry at him now. 

his thoughts were spiraling again, about to move, so he called the one person he always could talk to when he was like this. Dan.

“hey phil” dan said lovingly when he picked up.

“hey”

“so i have been thinking the last weeks, about me moving away from here” phil said 

“yeah, that's great phil! i think it is the right thing to do, you know how i feel about that” dan said hopefully

“yeah i know, so i have already been replying for som jobs around london and brighton” phil said cheekly

“omg for real Phil?!” Dan said cheering loudly

“yeah, got 2 job interviews next week!” Phil said happily. 

“what that is great phil!” 

“yeah so was thinking if i could stay at your place that weekend?” phil asked carefully

“of course phil! mi casa is su casa!” dan said in a bad spanish dialect

phil laughed and mocked him for that. 

**  
2 months later and he was now standing in his empty house, all his belongings where on the way to his new place in Brighton, a big flat with a walking distance to the ocean. 

his life had just made a whole turn, he got a new job, a dream job, and 2 days later he had found a place to live in Brighton to. it was like it was meant to be.

he turned the lights of for the last time in this house, i closed chapter, ready for a new beginning. he sighed and walked away from this place for the last time. it was like he felt 10 times lighter, a heavy weight had lifted from his shoulders. 

**

**Author's Note:**

> to be continued.. 
> 
> as i wrote this is based on real life, and yes i just moved, so i will continue this story when i have more to write.  
> Writing this is really helping me cope with everything.
> 
> xx InTheVoid


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